“Listen to this song, Mom. I think you’ll like it”, Isabella said as she turned the volume UP – a little too loud for these 50-year-old ears. So, we rocked it out in my 2013 Nissan Rogue. I remember being 19 and I loved the music turned up, too, so we listened to it LOUD! Mother and daughter’s heads banging and singing to the top of our lungs! When Needtobreathe’s song, “Hard Love” ended, I agreed, “I do like that.” Isabella added, “That’s a good song.”
You see, I love music and all genres of music. I would like to be clear – I am an appreciator of music who possesses zero musical talent, I just have a genuine appreciation for other’s talents. Listening to music is an experience for me. I listen to music with my heart instead of my head. I don’t listen to music to learn anything or to make myself more “cultured” or “better” in some way. No, I listen to music to be “moved”, sometimes comforted, maybe inspired is the right word. When I hear a song for the first time, I am simply responding to the sounds, rhythm, tones, and beats that collectively create the music that’s tickling my ears while strumming my heart strings.
“How does this song make me feel?” seems to be the question that I am answering when hearing a song or piece of music for the first time. If my heart is tugged, I listen to it again, and again, and probably again. However, if the music doesn’t tug at my heart, I disregard it. I will admit something to you, I never listen to the lyrics of a song when I initially hear it. Some people do, and I think that is wonderful for them. I can sing the words with the artist, but cannot repeat them. I am amazed sometimes with Tim, my husband, and his ability to “hear” the specifics of a song the first time he is exposed to it. Tim can pick out specific musical instruments, emphases on various parts, and the lyrics. He can tell me the meaning of the song immediately. I, on the contrary, would have print the lyrics from a Google search and then read, and re-read the lyrics, for an idea of what the song is about. I would be the one to belt out the WRONG lyrics of the familiar song and have no clue I was wrong. I have also found that I would be “loving” a song that isn’t appropriate, especially for a middle-aged, married mother of two daughters! I must be careful.
Back to rocking it out loud in the Rogue … Isabella and I listened to that song several more times until I finally bought the song to add to my playlist. Now, I could listen to the song by myself as many times as I like and at the perfect volume level for me to experience the song! It wasn’t until Saturday morning did I finally “hear” the lyrics of the song. On the way to play tennis, I listened to that song repeatedly. I backed it up several times just to make sure I “heard” the lyrics enough to “feel” them. This song just became a deeper experience for me.
The “feeling” I experience while listening to this song is one of encouragement to keep on, keeping on. I found myself becoming more energized when more instruments were added and the vocalists were pouring out their hearts. But, this time, I “heard” the lyrics. As the chorus repeats, I am saying in my soul, “That’s right”.
“Hold on tight a little longer
What don’t kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, ‘cause it’s a hard love
You can’t change without a fallout
It’s goin’ hurt, but don’t you slow down
Get back up, ‘cause it’s a hard love”
Everything about this song rings true to me. “Hard Love.” Some of my greatest moments in life have presented themselves on the back end of difficult situations. Talk about “hold on tight”… I have “white-knuckled” myself through many situations, especially these last two years. Yes, I’ve wanted to give in. Give up. Not even try. However, when I’ve persevered, I received the benefit. The “benefit” may or not have been what I was originally going after. Sometimes the benefit was another door opening when the door I was knocking on slammed shut. Sometimes the tenacity and resilience I developed helped me gain a fresh perspective. Other great moments have occurred DURING the difficult situation. While holding on, I acquired new friends I wouldn’t have otherwise met. In the storm, I have witnessed God move mountains on my behalf. I have experienced the Creator of the World, His Son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit comfort me in supernatural ways. The process seems to be as important, and oftentimes MORE important, than the result or reward.
Perhaps I “heard” the lyrics Saturday morning because the day before I had just revealed to one of my new friends a personal revelation of sorts. We were talking about how difficult living life can be and especially when you are living life with devastating loss and/or trauma. When out of the blue, I had an epiphany. I told her, “You know, I hate what all has happened to our little family. It’s devastating. But, as I sit here, I realize I actually like the person I am today better than I do the person from almost 2 years ago.”
I went on to tell her that I wished Savannah would have gotten to experience today’s “me”. I elaborated by sharing that I don’t stress nearly as much as I used to about the specifics of life that do not have eternal significance (i.e., their grades, our schedules, how we “performed” and my physical appearances). I “deeply” feel more compassion for and respond in empathy toward others. I am mindful now and appreciate every moment I have with others. I don’t worry about what would be easiest for me, but consider what’s best for the greater good. The Stephanie of today would have caused a lot less stress on her kids, her husband, and herself if she had adopted this lifestyle years ago. For that, I am thankful I held on.
This “new and improved” version of me was not ordered through Amazon Prime and delivered to my doorstep. I did not wake up one day and have it all together. No, this Stephanie that I like better is the result of a process. A painful and slow process. Hard Love, indeed. Hands-down, I had to “hold on tight a little longer”!! There were times thought I would lose my grip, but I held on! I am so thankful I did…and still do!
“Hold on tight a little longer
What don’t kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, ‘cause it’s a hard love
You can’t change without a fallout
It’s goin’ hurt, but don’t you slow down
Get back up, ‘cause it’s a hard love”
We left for what would become our last vacation as a family of four on July 16, 2016. Two years ago. Yes, this is, indeed, HARD LOVE. I am determined to spend this week enjoying every moment. Will I get choked up? Absolutely, but I do that anyway. I am going to be remembering us sitting on the beach together talking about “nothing”. I will recall what it was like crammed in Tim’s truck for the 12-hour drive. I will think about the extreme togetherness we experienced in that hotel room. I’ll remember Savannah’s backbend on the paddle board in the Gulf of Mexico. I’ll laugh again at Savannah’s goofiness reminding myself of her coming in from the gulf saying she saw a “hippopotamus”! (We later discovered that manatees were in the waters…I guess they do sorta resemble hippos if you are on a paddle board.) I am going to remember the remarkable sunsets that took our breath away.
“What don’t kill ya, makes ya stronger.” You will get through this. Just hold on. It’s a HARD LOVE that’s worth it! You will be able to see the sunsets again.
I, like Isabella, want you to listen to this song. I think you’re gonna like it. Here’s the link to the official video of “Hard Love” by Needtobreathe https://youtu.be/tE3Fp8C_ufg. Isabella, without knowing it, encouraged her mom with this song. Thank you, Isabella. Yes, by the way, you STILL listen to music way to loud!
“Hold on tight a little longer” and THRIVE!
Stephanie
