Embrace the Pause

What is a “pause”?

What does it mean to “take a break”.

In the times when we are “still”, are we legitimately “still” in all aspects of our being? Or, are there parts of our being that are in control or moving or firing?

Do we micromanage our breaks by having an agenda?

If I were to watch a movie clip of you pausing (with audio playback of your mind running simultaneously), what would I see?  What would I hear?

Would you be sitting fairly still but your mind operating full-force like raging animal?  Or, would you be totally engulfed in pausing and lingering?

Would there be constant dialogue running between your ears?  Or, would there be anticipatingly quiet?

Would you be actively engaged in an activity, like talking, reading, writing, or watching something while sitting or standing? Or, would you be completely still in your body, mind, and spirit?

Would there be a constant stream of requests, demands, and, occasional, mindless banter? Or, would there be peace, solitude, and quiet in anticipation of THE whisper?

Merriam-Webster notes a pause as a “a temporary stop” or, one of my personal favorites, “to linger for a time”.  You may ask, “OK, what does linger mean?”  The definition of “linger” represents a beautiful picture to me, “to continue to exist as time passes”.  So, a pause occurs when you STOP doing something and simply EXIST.  You take a break, so to speak.  Our experts at Merriam-Webster note that when you say you are going to take a break, you simply “stop doing something for a short period of time”. You rest.

I want to add from the Book of Stephanie (which is a figment of my imagination) that to wholeheartedly pause, you “must COMPLETELY stop, including not only your body, but your mind.  In essence, simply breathe and exist in this space of time, while waiting expectantly for a whisper.”  Better yet, “stop DO-ing and start BE-ing!”

Sounds easy, huh? Well, as we say here in the South, “It AIN’T!”  There are times, it can almost feel tortuous to “be still”.  Sometimes it feels “wrong” to be still.  We MUST be DOING SOMETHING… ANYTHING!  Just, do something!  SAY something!  If we aren’t DOING, then we aren’t being productive or living out our purpose.

There are times that “pausing” feels so foreign.  It feels like a “faraway” concept.  So foreign that we run from it.  It is in these times that we do everything we can to avoid the “pause”.  For me, the “pause” can be a bit terrifying, at times.  I believe I was somewhat fearful of the “pause” because I like to be in control.  I mean, really! Who knows what can happen if I completely pause?  What will I have to face? What thoughts will come up?  What if I start crying uncontrollably? What if I come “face to face” with my fear?  What if I am confronted with the errs of my ways?  “What ifs” were interfering with my ability to rest, to take a break, and ultimately hear the whisper!

As I contemplate the last year, I believe 2017 was the Year of the Pause for me.  I was thrust into “pausing”.   I say thrust because it was NOT my choosing.  However, I allowed myself to simply “linger” for a while.  I can’t say that I “lingered” EVERY day, but I can say with certainty that it was MOST days last year.  My “pausing” and “lingering” allowed me to learn to just BE.  Once the fear and uncertainty subsided, I found that I “yearned” to LINGER!  I found that the Bible, research, the wisest of the wise were indeed CORRECT!  The “pause” is our lifeline!  The “pause” is our key to well-being and communion with God.  It is in the pause, while we linger, that HE speaks.  I have experienced it first-hand.  There have been such sweet, precious revelations that have come while I lingered!

Some revelations are too intimate, too holy, too precious to share in this format.  These are simply for me to treasure in my heart.  However, I will share the most recent revelation.  I have begun writing THE book.  Yep, I have.  Not sure how, but I am sure that I am, indeed, to write and document Savannah’s race and the insights that she and God have revealed to me.  So, I have begun writing.

What this entails is me … sitting. I’m at the laptop either outside on the back porch or in the kitchen, coffee in hand, and tissues (preferably, Puffs with Aloe) nearby. Honestly, I have started writing a few times during the past year, but nothing legitimate.  No order.  No structure.  Well, a couple of weeks ago, the format (or outline) was revealed to me (while intentionally engaged in the pause, I might add) in preparation for an upcoming speaking engagement.  So, the week before last, I sat. My mind, memory, willingness, and laptop are one.

I am in the “zone” writing about Tim, Isabella, and I getting to the emergency room in Monroe, LA on August 23^rd from Baton Rouge, LA and us racing back to her. During this sitting, I’ve written about her hyperventilating and thanking us for coming.  I’ve written about them asking us to leave in order for her to be connected up to the dialysis machine so that toxins can be cleaned from her body.  I’ve written about us getting back there to her, lying on the bed, machine humming, and her breathing restfully.  I’ve written about her seemingly more relaxed, her voice breathy in the what would become the last verbal conversation I will have with my daughter. I’m now writing about being back there with her on the right side of the bed.  Talking.  When, suddenly, she reaches up with her left hand and seems to be grabbing or reaching for something in the air.  I see her looking upwards while mumbling.  I think she’s hallucinating.  I write about me asking the dialysis nurse, “Are you seeing this?”.   He looks at her, back at me, and says, “I’m going to ask you to step out.” I then write about the updates as we stand outside her room. “We are going to have to intubate her because the dialysis is too taxing for her body.” “Once it is in place, you can go back in there with her.”  “The tube is in place, we are just waiting for x-ray to come and check the placement, then you can go in there with her.” I am now writing about standing outside her doorway with Tim and Isabella when suddenly medical professionals, all donned in scrubs, are running down the hall and into her room.  I type that I heard one of them saying, “Oh, Lord Jesus, NO!” Then, amid the commotion, someone comes and asks us to go into another room. As I walk past, I write about looking into the room and seeing them on top of her doing chest compressions.  I write about the SECOND time her heart stops that day!!!

While I am writing this, I am merely a vessel.  I consider this a time of “pause” because I am not thinking, I am simply experiencing this again.  Our 10 ½ weeks, again.  Experiencing ALL of it, again.  I ask that God write whatever He feels should be written, while I “pause”.

The revelation came almost immediately when I brought myself back into awareness.  I was completely re-living this experience.  When I came up for air, I remembered early on in our 10 ½ weeks wondering if God came to Savannah during the first time her heart stopped (before we got to Monroe).  I imagined Him saying something like, “OK, baby, here’s what I have for you on Earth. You don’t have to go back.  You can stay here with Me, but if you want to go back and do more for ME, this is what it will look like and what it will take of you”.  I imagined He showed her all that she would experience in her days here on Earth.  I then imagined Him saying, “You decide. Whatever you want to do is fine with Me.  I’ll be back in a little while and you let Me know.”  I then thought, “I wonder if He came back the second time for her answer” to which she replied, “Send me!”.  Now, this was not a grand revelation to which the skies parted while hearing a voice that sounded like James Earl Jones’ say, “Stephanie! …” No, these were just thoughts and visualizations that I had experienced while pausing.

The revelation came to me at this moment, instantaneously, while pausing and experiencing.   Yes, while lingering with Puffs in hand!  I was catapulted back to the moment that Savannah began speaking in words I did not understand while looking up and reaching out with her left hand.  I became aware that God had given me a gift.  He allowed me to experience a monumental, miraculous spiritual event in the physical while I was standing beside her. He allowed me, a country girl, a regular person, to witness a miracle!  God DID come back for Savannah’s answer!  I witnessed my daughter in the presence of THE ALMIGHTY!  I was given the gift of seeing her give her all! I was given the opportunity to see my baby surrounded by Love while committing to love others by her sacrifice!  He allowed me to see that she CHOSE to be with us for a little while longer while He accomplished much through her. I became faced with the reality that just because we don’t understand the spiritual, does NOT mean that it is not just as real as the physical!

Thank you, God, for that gift.  I thank Him but I also know I have a personal responsibility to PAUSE.  I shudder to think about other times I may have missed additional revelations or gifts because I neglected “the pause”.  I ask you to EMBRACE the PAUSE.  Do not run from it!  Evaluate the times you consider yourself “taking a break” or “pausing”.  Are you lingering? Or, rushing through? Are you quiet? Or, are you running your mouth?

Please enjoy this picture of Savannah and Isabella with one of their grandfathers.  Grandparents and all those of a “certain age” are gifts to the rest of us and I encourage you to “pause” WITH them.   If you look at this picture, you see a wise man imparting his wisdom onto two of his grandchildren.  Savannah and Isabella are not talking.  They are simply, BE-ING with their grandfather.  To me, this is a perfect representation of our Heavenly Father and His children.  He desires us to “pause” with Him.  He wants us to spend time with Him, listen to Him, enjoy Him.

Embrace the Pause AND THRIVE!

Stephanie