Even So…

Even So…Today begins a new adventure for me.  For 49 years, my path has been quite predictable and safe … a comfortable life with a husband, two kids, a dog, extended family, friends, family vacations, a house, and a good job. Yep, a good life! Living the “American Dream”.  Then, August 2016 rolled around and my life took a different trajectory, and, in November, life - as I knew it - ceased to exist.  A new existence had to be determined.

On August 13^th, my community experienced the effects of a devastating flood. We immediately moved from the safe “comfortable mode” to the INTENSE “flood relief mode”.  We were “almost” ready to switch into the “help others mode”, when, 10 days later, we received the call that our firstborn was “sorta unresponsive”.  We quickly aborted the mission and went into FULL-ON “SURVIVAL MODE”!!!

The four-hour drive was torture…people calling…didn’t have a clue what was going on… CAN’T DRIVE ANY FASTER!!! UGH!!! Finally, we make it. WHEW!!!

We find out she is in severe septic shock.  What! How can that be? A healthy, independent 21-year old college student, really???

She codes twice that day…intubate…dialysis…hyperthermic protocol… “she’s as critical as she can be”… “didn’t think we were going to get her back”… “never seen anyone this sick before”…blood pressure falling…three different pressers…amputations…skin mottled…resistant infections… no idea about mental status…burn unit…skin debridement…skin grafts!!!

The vortex kept spinning!!!! A comfortable life does not teach you how to process this!  But, you do, even so.

Our firstborn, Savannah, was a perfect example of grace, humility, and gratitude during the 10 ½ week journey, or race, she completed.  She “won” the race on November 4^th.  Much to our surprise, she left this earth, it’s FINAL. The finality is something we could not process and still struggle with sometimes. 

We were not expecting this to happen…she had pulled out of these "severe" places so many times before; however, when she transitioned into Eternity…she did so peacefully as she moved into an eternity full of love, joy, and peace.  Now, we are left to try to live THIS “new” life. One with a void so massive that it has no depth or end, no boundaries. 

HOW. DO. WE. DO. THIS??? The answer…one step at a time. 

I have spent much time with God, much ALONE time with Him. I have “self-coached” myself.  I have cried AND laughed.  I have gotten sick.  I’ve questioned.  I have spent a lot of time trying to determine what matters…WHAT TRULY MATTERS???

So, in response to this time spent, you read my first blog.  Thus, the beginning of a “new adventure”.  I have retired from a job I love and have decided that branching out into “unsafe”, “uncomfortable” territory in the pursuit of what matters...is… EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. I want to THRIVE in this life, as I witnessed Savannah did! She THRIVED…she did not just survive!

Fridays are “tender” days for me.  It has been 12 Fridays.  So, here is my first blog.  I hope to blog every “tender” Friday. Overwhelmed with gratitude, I have begun the “Thank You Tour” to personally look people in their eye and thank them for praying, supporting, and loving us. I have had the honor and privilege to speak to a group of diligent and praying women in a work release program, the prayer meeting group at the church Savannah was born into, and to the office of the local Marshall’s office.  I do not have the earthly words to express how utterly amazed I am that people, God’s Faithful, continue to pray, love, and reach out to us! What a strong and humble body of believers!  I am in the process of developing a website in hopes to support others in their endeavor to thrive.  Lastly, I hope to develop a monthly newsletter with practical tips God has revealed to me that have been helpful for me to learn to THRIVE! 

I leave you with this poem from Raymond Carver. 

Late Fragment

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

Even so, I feel myself beloved on the earth.  Much love to you. Until next week!

Stephanie