As I reflect on the last 18 months and the last two Mother’s Days, I’ve realized something. I have a responsibility to be part of my healing although it’s hard sometimes, not fun at other times, and is not always something I really want to do. But, I do it. I am nudged, pushed, sometimes made to get out of my comfort zone and allow God to do a work in me. He does His work when I allow myself to experience His love and the love of others that He has put into my path. Now, I must be honest, there are some situations I am not ready to expose myself to, yet. I am not ready to attend a college graduation, celebrate at certain weddings, or even see pictures on social media of people spending time with their children and grandchildren. Oh, believe me, I am super-excited for them, but still can’t separate myself from the loss I continue to feel.
And, that’s OK. I can feel this way, at least for a little while.
Although some things may still be so real, so raw, and so painful, I am able to belly-laugh, have a good time, and appreciate life. I can say that I am so proud of Tim, my husband and Savannah’s dad, and Isabella, Savannah’s only sister. So very proud. We are “all in this together” (yes, a High School Musical tune does come to mind) and Tim, Isabella, and I talk about Savannah, think about her, reminisce how very loving AND goofy she is as often as she comes to mind. Oh, yeah, we still tear up at times and miss her, and I don’t ever want that to stop. AND, we continue to live.
As I reflect, I think of some possible reasons why we, as a family, are still “living”. One, is that we know where Savannah is at this very moment. Having the reassurance of both her and our Eternal life is paramount to our healing. We know we haven’t lost Savannah, we have only lost contact with Savannah, for a little while. That, to us, is a HUGE difference. Let me take a moment to impress on anyone reading this to PLEASE pour extra love on those who don’t know where their loved ones are. Much love is needed for them! And, if you are unsure about your eternal life, I would advise figuring out that NOW.
Now, let me stop here. I have so much respect for other moms, dads, sisters, brothers, and friends who CAN’T out of the bed. I am speaking of those that can only find relief from the pain by assuming the fetal position in a dark room under the covers while wishing it all to go away. That’s REAL! I have so much respect for people who don’t think they can smile, see colors, and get out. We all should have respect. The pain is just that bad. Sometimes, we don’t know when the grief is going to slam us to the ground, so it’s “safer” for everyone else if we just stay home. It’s uncanny to me how people think they are helping when they say things like, “You’re going to have to get over this.” “At least, she didn’t (and they report to you some other tragedy that happened to someone else).” To which, I just think to myself, “Really? You think that’s helpful to me?” Sometimes, the bed is where I want to be.
And, that’s OK. I can feel this way, at least for a little while.
If you’ve not experienced loss of this magnitude, just know this fact…the pain is real. It’s doesn’t go away. There’s nothing anyone else can say or do to take it away. It just is. It is a part of us now.
I am so thankful that I have people in my life that, I believe, would crawl up in that bed with me and just be with me there. Such comfort comes from knowing that I can feel the way I feel. I can be genuine with these individuals who can feel it with me. They don’t have to try to make me feel better. They are secure enough to have empathy for me in the place that I am in that moment. Now these people are the very same people that I can “live” with, “laugh” until I cry with, “talk” about the goofiness of Savannah with, and “let my hair down” with. I believe another reason I am able to live is because God has strategically placed these individuals in my life.
Another reason, I believe we can “live” is that we CHOOSE to live. There comes a time that I am tired of being tired. Sick of being sick. It’s at those times that I know it’s time to get out of bed. That is when I become determined to move forward WITH Savannah and the void left. I want to share just a couple of choices I make on a regular basis so that I move forward.
One, I choose to get on top of my thinking. I ensure that I am switching my thoughts to only thinking of things that help me get out of the pit of despair.
Second, I am choosing to be intentional with what I allow myself to be exposed to. For example, I monitor my social media exposure, my media exposure, and my personal exposure. If I sense myself going near the pit of despair, I think about why I might be there. Is it due to seeing things on Facebook? Or, watching something painful on TV? Is it influenced by who I am with at the time? If I get an idea it’s one of those things, I make a move.
Third, I choose to appreciate every moment, regardless of whether it is pleasurable or not.
I’m taking a class now about the “science of well – being” (thank-you to my nerd friend for putting me on to this class…you know who you are!). I am learning about the science behind well-being and implementing a “practice” to promote the feeling of well-being. This week I will be grateful and savor. I am spending 5-10 minutes documenting what I am grateful for each day. I want to share with you the practice of “Savoring” which is the “act of stepping outside of an experience to review and appreciate it”. The practice of savoring intensifies and lengthens the positive emotions felt when engaging in something pleasurable. Savoring boosts your mood in three ways: it makes us remember the “good stuff”, keeps us in the moment, and increases our gratitude. Each night, before I go to bed, I will recall an experience from the day and savor it. I want to encourage you to start savoring. Here are some things you can do to savor what is good:
- Share the experience with someone else,
- Keep a souvenir or photo of the experience,
- Think about how lucky you are to be part of such an amazing moment, &
- Stay in the present moment the entire time you are experiencing the moment.
Scripture tells us to “taste and see that the LORD is good, blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him” in Psalm 34:8. Savor HIM. Our God, Himself, savored His good work in Genesis 1:31. “God saw all that He had made and it was very good.” Yes, indeed.
Please enjoy this video clip from the movie, Good Morning, Vietnam! starring Robin Williams if you want to see what savoring looks like AND how it affects others. This seems to perfectly represent the art of “savoring”. In the midst of the tragedies of the Vietnam war, this is one man who was able to enjoy the moment. Have fun. Laugh. It was contagious to those around him. Get up. Dance like you just don’t care. Savor the moment, my friend. (If you are viewing this video from a smart phone, click on the thumbnail with Robin Williams.)
In my reflection, I realized I savored Mother’s Day two years ago, I made a mini-trip with Savannah to San Antonio. I completely enjoyed being with Savannah. I realize NOW that was a gift given to me to enjoy NOW. I certainly savored times with my babies when they were just that, babies. How could you NOT savor this? I mean…check out those cheeks! You know I gave those cheeks some serious sugar!!!! I feel good! (If you are looking at these pictures on a smart phone, the pictures are turned…it’s ok, you can enjoy those cheeks from any vantage point!)
Enjoy. Savor. Thrive!
Stephanie