Think About Your Thinking: Go Deep

“It’s going to require you to look deeper in yourself. Pull the pain out. Look at it. Share it.”

These were words of encouragement emailed to me in response to my asking, “What do you think would be relevant for them to hear?” Wow! Her response to my question was powerful and made me stop and think.  The words in my mind at that time were, “it’s about to get REAL!”  “Really, real!!”

One of the sweetest, yet wisest souls I have met since Savannah moved into Eternity is from Jackson, Mississippi.  I met this beautiful woman when I spoke at her church (I actually told her that I wanted to be her when I grow up!).  In the few interactions I have had the pleasure to have with her, it is evident that she is smart, humble, wise, caring, and has a great sense of humor.  She asked me back in February if would I consider speaking at a luncheon her church sponsors for the professional women in the downtown area every Monday. If I may be completely honest, I considered this an honor and, at the same time, I was a little apprehensive.  Not apprehensive about speaking, but apprehensive that I would have something of value to share with these women.  The “lunch hour” in the professional world is SACRED.  Sacred because the time is short and sacred because it is a time to recharge for the rest of the workday.  I wanted to make sure that what I shared was of value.  Now, I must say, that it is becoming more and more evident to me that EVERYTHING is of value when led by His Spirit, but the reality is that I still get distracted by my own insecurities and anxieties.

So, she said she wanted to hear what it was like when we were told of Savannah’s journey. She told me she wanted to know what was helping me put one foot in front of the other. What was helping me get out of the bed when I really didn’t want to … this will cause me to “dig DEEP”!

“It’s going to require you to look deeper in yourself. Pull the pain out. Look at it. Share it.”

And, so, that is what I did.  I looked deeper, pulled the pain out, looked at it, and shared it.  Many people have asked me similar questions or made comments such as, “How can you do it?”  “I don’t think I could go on.”, “How are you able to get out of the bed?”.  My response has been somewhat, well, spiritually cliché.  I mean no disrespect when I say “spiritually cliché”.  I just mean that it was an answer I gave because I really didn’t have “an answer” to that question or “a response” to that statement, so I did what I have done so many times, I gave a “churchy” answer.  I would say, time and time again, “it’s God”, “I couldn’t do it without Jesus”, “He is good”.

Now, do not consider for a milli-second that I think that it was NOT God, or Jesus, or that I EVEN consider that He is not good.  Not for one second do I think that!!!  I fully KNOW where all things come from and without Him there is no way that I can go on.  I completely understand that without God and the Hope of Jesus Christ that I would STILL be in the bed, under the covers, in a dark room, in the fetal position wishing that all would go away and that life would cease to exist! It IS all for the glory of God!  However, with this exercise of looking deep, pulling the pain, and examining it (not running from it), I realized that God is (and, always has been) right there, willing and able to pull me through. Now, with this realization; however, I also was faced that the responsibility was in my lap to take that next  step, get out of the bed, and go forth.  I had to face what was looming over and in me.  I had to go THERE!  Get real with myself … and, GOD!

The word that comes to mind with this mental and spiritual exercise is “metacognition”.  According to Merriam-Webster, metacognition is the “awareness or analysis of one’s own learning or thinking processes”.  Said another way, the “thinking about thinking”.  I was about to “think” about my “thinking”.  I realized that, although true, my “churchy” , yet, cliché answer was not getting to the root of anything, it was not requiring me to take responsibility, nor was it helping me or anyone else.  So, as my new friend suggested, I went “there”.

Here’s the result.  Here’s what I learned about myself.  We were not expecting for Savannah to NOT be here.  I fully intended to be standing on the sidelines supporting her in her future endeavors.  We were not prepared (nor do I think ANYONE is ever prepared) for the finality of death.  I had some choices to make.  I have to choose my mindset and what I allow my mind to focus on.  I could easily allow myself to engage in a vicious circle of:  Why Savannah?  Why my baby?  Why does Isabella have to go through this?  Why a “good” human being who cares about others when there are so many hurtful people in the world?  Why not them? What did Savannah do to deserve this?  Ok, I went there …  What did I do to deserve this?

However, this line of thinking takes us nowhere and instead engages us in a vicious circle of pain, blame, hurt, and entitlement.  I chose and continue to choose to ask myself other questions and think on other things:  What is she experiencing now?  What can I do to honor Savannah and God?  She will never experience shame, blame, negativity, sadness, despair…for eternity.  Savannah is MY BABY.  What do people need to know about Savannah so that they can thrive?  My mind thinks on eternal things, not physical and temporal things.

Further introspection while digging even deeper revealed three things that I have chosen while relying on God.  So, I share with you, as I shared with the group of over 100 professional women in Jackson, Mississippi.  We need to remind ourselves often that each moment we have is a GIFT … an honest gift from God.  We are not promised a second more, neither are those you love.  So,

• I choose to appreciate each moment…whether pleasurable or not.
  • How I wish I had another moment and didn’t have to wait until Eternity! Time was created for us as humans.  I believe this time is a gift.  We can choose how we approach and appreciate each moment.
• I choose to evaluate my mindset in every situation.
  • We are not born with a positive, happy-go-lucky mindset. We are hard-wired to be judgy, pessimistic, safe.  We have to choose to see possibilities, not faults and failures.
• I choose to put others before myself. Yes, I choose the Greater Good, no matter if I want to or not.
  • Research says we receive more fulfillment and well-being when we are helping, focusing on, and supporting others. We were with Savannah the last 3 hours of her time on Earth.  Not once did we talk of her accomplishments or awards.  We spoke of how she loved others and how others loved her.  As a preschooler and throughout her life, she put others first.  This was evident as people reached out to us to share how Savannah made a difference in their lives.  She focused on the Greater Good.

I am NOT going to lie to you and tell you this makes everything good, or easy, or even better.  We are broken-hearted and miss her desperately.  But, I can say that I MAKE myself think on Eternal things when I am in the depths of despair.  This allows me to shift my mindset, get out of the bed, smile (and, yes, laugh), take one more step, love God, and love others.  This picture at the top, to me, encapsulates Savannah’s personality.  I also think of this picture when I consider what she may be feeling now in Heaven.

I encourage you to go “there”, think about your thinking, consider the questions you are asking yourself, make changes where you need to, reach out to others, and, THRIVE!!!

Be blessed while you “think about your thinking”!

Stephanie

By the way, if you are interested in Savannah’s story, please like our page on Facebook at Alive 2 Thrive: In Honor of Savannah Payne.