Who Do You Trust?

It’s so good to be back in the groove of writing.  I had to take a couple weeks off to take care of some things and realized just how cathartic writing is for me.  I recently came across a listing of Mother Teresa’s quotes, you know, the humble Saint who devoted her life to sacrificially loving the unloved, forgotten, and ignored.  As I was reading her words of wisdom while reflecting on the devoted example of God’s love, one quote stuck with me and rolled around in my mind.  I closed the site and tried to move on to accomplish things on my proverbial “to do” list. However, that quote would not leave me alone.  I kept coming back to it.

“God doesn’t require us to succeed, he only requires that you try.”

Once I stopped suppressing it, I realized this quote was exactly what I needed in that moment.  God was speaking to me. You see, I’ve learned God speaks to me in various ways.  He speaks to me at the perfect time, if I’m tuned in.  I’ve learned that I must be open to the many ways He chooses to speak.  Therefore, when I come across something that piques my interest or a thought that lingers, I take note.  I begin to consider it and what God may be trying to share with me.  When this quote kept coming up in my conscious thought – tapping me on the shoulder – I stopped a second to consider its relevance to me in THIS MOMENT.

Let me back up.

I felt God leading me to step out into uncharted territory soon after Savannah moved into Eternity almost 2 years ago.  The decision to leave, not only my beloved colleagues, but the reliability, consistency, and “safety” of my career in school psychology behind to step wholeheartedly into whatever God has for me was challenging (at first).   For a quick – minute, I stressed over the issue.  However, I had been faced with harsh realities.  Life is short, and God has created us uniquely with ordained talents and skills for the sole purpose of fulfilling His purpose.  I realized that God was giving me an opportunity to “trust” Him.  Wholeheartedly, TRUST HIM!  Once I realized that, I never looked back.  I took that step and have never regretted the decision to do so.

This is not to say that I don’t battle, though, with my own insecurities, discouragements, and fears of the unknown.  I can let those nasty critters overtake me.  And, I mean, they can overtake me…quick… if I don’t keep them in check!  I’ve realized when these negative thoughts rear their ugly head in my life, I have allowed myself to lose focus on God and His purpose. Perhaps, I have focused on the wrong thing…my ability, my skills, my ideas, instead of His purpose.  When my focus becomes skewed, I become tied to the outcome. Specifically, I tie myself to the outcome’s “success”, “notoriety”, and generated “interest”.

When I fix my gaze solely on the outcome, I become the priority and lose sight of the bigger picture, or purpose, God has placed before me.  To assume sole responsibility of the outcome, not only causes undue stress in my life, it also steals God’s glory.  When I do it, then God isn’t praised.  When I become more focused on whether I was successful in the task than on whether God was glorified, then I am trying to do it alone.  On those occasions when I find myself “needing” praise (or getting my feelings hurt) when I don’t think others noticed me, possibly, I am tying my worth to the outcome, not the Creator.  On those occasions, I’ve allowed myself to be attached to quantity (how many people were there at the engagement or read my blog), rather than quality (who was there or was touched by the story).  Maybe, I’ve become more focused on increasing numbers than on spending time with “the one” God wants me to love on in that moment.  I know this because when I spend more time “scrolling” for likes, shares, and followers instead of spending time “with” others, I feel defeated, stressed, and ineffective.  I realized this quote spoke to me.  He, our God, has the say as to the final outcome, not me.  He only requires obedience, faith, and trust from me.

This quote spoke to me directly because keeping my thought life in check is a must in this new normal I find myself in today.  This new uncharted territory of speaking, writing, and coaching presents me with frequent opportunities for growth, which requires me to stretch myself.  With each opportunity, there is a requirement that I must trust Him to orchestrate the outcome.  Quite often, I remind myself of the fact that God isn’t sitting on His throne, wringing His hands, and worrying whether I’m going to succeed.  No, He is with me every step of the way waiting on me to fully trust Him.

“He only requires that I try.” I believe, in my current situation, I must keep putting my best foot forward, “doing” whatever I feel I need to do to adequately prepare myself to go into the new territory’s task at hand, and trust that God is with me and has my best interest at heart.  I remind myself, the outcome is not up to me, it’s up to HIM!  When I do this, my stress level reduces, and I am able to focus on what needs to be focused on, and I am living according to the purpose He has designed for me.

Trust.

I think that’s it.  We must TRUST Him.  I think most Christians living in America would “say” they TRUST God. However, they’ve rarely – or ever – HAD to trust solely on Him.  My behavior and resulting stress level suggested I didn’t completely trust God in every aspect of my life…until I HAD to trust Him! I just thought I was trusting Him all the while worried about my savings account, making sure Plan B was viable, and lining those “ducks” up all in a row!

When Savannah was in the hospital, I learned what it was to completely trust Him.  I learned that I just thought I was trusting Him, but when your firstborn’s life is at stake, you HAVE to completely trust God.  If you don’t, you’ll drive yourself crazy. There were two times I remember vividly that I should put my trust in Him, not myself, when she was in the hospital.  These are lessons I hold dear to me today (I may even share these experiences one day).

Trust.

I still work on my “trust factor”.

I said God speaks to me in a multitude of ways.  One such way is through my children.  God used my sweet baby, Isabella, to teach me, yet again, about trusting Him.

Isabella knew that Savannah received a car prior to graduating high school and, within reason, she would receive a car of her own, too, some time around graduation.  She knew she wouldn’t have to drive my “soccer mom” SUV for the rest of her life.  So, Isabella did what every 17-year-old does when thinking about what kind of car they want, she researched.  Now this type of research doesn’t start with looking at gas mileage, reliability, or resale value.  No, the typical 17-year old researches cars to determine which car would they look best in!  Isabella discovered she would look best in a white Jeep.  Yes, she knew what color, make, model, etc. that would best fit her personality, hair color, and lifestyle.  A Jeep, it is. She did everything she knew to do in order to make sure she got a Jeep.  She knew her dad would want to know the specs about the Jeep.  She talked with people who owned Jeeps, people who bought Jeeps for their children, people who sold Jeeps, and I wouldn’t be surprised that she didn’t ask God and pray diligently for a Jeep.   Despite her best efforts, she wasn’t going to get a Jeep.

I remember the day I had to look her in the eye and tell her, “Belle, Dad is not going to buy you a Jeep”.  She looked shocked when she said, “Really?” I said, “Really”.  She went on to share about all the reasons why a Jeep is a good idea.  To which I had to stop her and say, “Baby, it’s not going to happen. Dad just doesn’t believe this car is best for you.”  Isabella was faced with the dilemma that she had to trust her dad had her best interest at heart.

Was she not going to get a Jeep because she had not been a “good” daughter? No.  Was she not going to get a Jeep because she had not done something right? No.  Was she not going to get a Jeep because she had not prayed the right prayer? No.  Was she not going to get a Jeep because she had left off one more fact? No.  She was not going to get a Jeep because her dad just didn’t think it was best for her. Period.

THIS spoke directly to me one morning while sitting out on the back porch.  I was thinking about various people telling me their prayer life exploded and blossomed while Savannah was in the hospital.  They felt closer to God during her 10 ½ week journey; however, they found their faith wavered when she moved into Eternity despite our best prayerful efforts.  I was thinking about this and questioning my own faith level.  Had I had “enough” faith?

I will tell you emphatically, I DID!  I haven’t shared this fact very often, but there were times my faith was so great, I honestly believed I would walk into her room and witness God had performed a creative miracle! I honestly believed I would walk in to see her off the respirator and with functioning arms and legs!  No, it wasn’t a faith issue why my prayers for her healing on Earth did not occur.  So, what was it?

This is when Isabella’s Jeep popped up.  I must trust MY Father, the Holy God. I must trust in the fact that God has our best interest at heart.

Did I not receive the answer to prayer I wanted because I did not have enough faith? No. Did I not receive the answer to prayer I wanted because I had not prayed enough? No.  Did I not receive the answer to prayer I wanted because He did not love me? No? Had I sinned one too many times? No.

I simply must trust Him. Period. That’s it.

Savannah moved into Eternity on November 4, 2016.  This weekend will mark two years.  I still can’t believe we are a family of 3, not 4.  I can’t express how my heart aches when I consider how long it has been since I’ve been with her.  However, I trust God knowing she is surrounded by love in Jesus’ arms.  I trust God that He loves Tim, Isabella, and I more than we can imagine. I trust He’s not going to leave us nor forsake us this weekend as we approach THIS anniversary.  I trust God with each challenge I personally face as I continue to step in to the Great Unknown.

I’m not sure why I wanted to share this picture, but I do. Perhaps, I want to share Savannah’s goofiness and sense of humor with you.  Maybe I just want to give others an opportunity to smile. I don’t know.  But, I do expect she keeps this expression on her face as she is laughing and skipping around Heaven at this moment.  Yes, this makes me smile.

FYI: Isabella did receive her second choice of car about a year and a half ago.  Yes, she loves it!  Her dad DID know best!

I trust God.  Who do you trust?

May you experience the peace that transcends all understanding as you trust God and THRIVE!

Stephanie