It Won’t Be Like This for Long

Nostalgic.

As I sit here in my living room on Mojeaux’s (our 70-pound poodle) throne pondering the events of the last 3½ weeks, that is the word to describe what I have felt and am feeling.  That’s a picture-perfect word to describe my current perspective. Nostalgic.

Nostalgia is “a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition”, according to Merriam-Webster.  Reading further, nostalgia can be described as “pleasure and sadness that is caused by remembering something from the past and wishing that you could experience it again”. “A longing for something past”.  Yes, a picture-perfect word.

I have attempted to blog the last couple of Fridays, but nothing flows.  I had a few “false alarms” but no flow.  As I have stated previously, I desire this blog to be Spirit-led and not Stephanie-led. So, if nothing flows, nothing is written.  However, yesterday as I was making the four-hour trek home in the rain while listening to my playlists, it hit me.  The next blog.  So, even though it’s not a Friday, here goes…

Savannah, my firstborn, loved Darius Rucker.  To be quite frank, I liked Darius Rucker FIRST when he was with Hootie & the Blowfish.  We, at the House of Payne, just like Darius Rucker.  Well, I’m driving home from an emotional couple of days (I’ll elaborate in a second) and I’m listening to one of his songs, It Won’t Be Like This for Long.  He is singing about the challenges of a newborn, parenting, and setting them free. You know, LIFE. As I listened to this song, through tears and windshield wipers running in their own rhythm, I appreciated the power of these lyrics, moreso than in times past.

“It WON’T be like this for long”. No, it won’t.

No, it CERTAINLY won’t. I was flooded with memories of challenging times, i.e., changing mountains of diapers, loneliness and sacred-ness of nursing an infant, potty-training, buying the “correct” school supplies, your preschooler trying “independence” on for the first time, wiping tears when someone was “mean” to them, teaching your teenager to drive, learning how much supervision is “just enough”, and setting up the first dorm room. I was also flooded with memories of the shear “heart-exploding” love you have for your children when you get to see them for the first time, the tenderness engulf you as you watch a daddy and daughter love on each other, the utter sense of melting when your daughter gives you a hug, and the sense of accomplishment when you realize your children are no longer children but beautiful, empathetic, and independent young women. The challenges become less like “challenges” and more like precious moments when you put things in perspective.

I mentioned the last 3½ weeks … nostaligic, indeed. The middle of July, Tim and I traveled to West Carroll parish to the Oak Grove community.  This community holds a very special place in our hearts.  The prayers, support, and love provided us during Savannah’s illness was immense.  The love felt there was indescribable.  Anyway, the churches in that community came together and we had a night of love, praise, and compassion as I shared about Savannah and God during the course of “those” sacred 10½ weeks. Tim and I left there and drove to Biloxi, MS for a meeting.  This “meeting” was the same meeting last year that our family drove to Naples, FL for our “last” family vacation as a family of four.  It was sentimental for me, seeing people who I met for the first time last year, yet now, have a connection with forever.  Many of these sweet souls began praying for us so diligently this time last year.  It was good to look them in the eye and “thank” them personally.

We returned home after a few days in Biloxi and prepared for a long weekend trip to Branson, MO with my brother and his cool family.  After a couple of days of laughing, roller-coaster riding, sweating, watching magic shows, attending a theatrical show, and shopping, we drove to Fayetteville, AR for a loud, delicious, and heart-felt dinner with our aunt, uncle, and cousins.  This was the way we celebrated and remembered our “last” family vacation as a family of four … with family and friends. Such precious times. We were home five days and, during that week, I had the privilege of having lunch and dinner with two colleagues of mine from previous work experiences.

On July 29^th, we left for a week in Orange Beach, AL.  Our vacations have historically been sacred and intimate, only including our nuclear family of four.  We rarely invited others because our time together is usually so short with our busy lifestyle choices (i.e., work demands, extra-curricular demands, school demands, etc.). So, we considered this time as, well, sacred.  This was a time we felt was prime for us to reconnect as a family.  I am so glad we did that early on, but now we wanted to spend time with all those who never left our side. (Honestly, this shift from nuclear family vacations to extended family/friend vacations would have probably occurred naturally.) So, we planned a vacation with three families who have been with us through “thick and thin”.  Oh, how Savannah would have loved to see people “bust it” while trying to disembark the kayak gracefully in the white-capped waves, sit under the tent at the beach in the rain contemplating life, get in trouble while listening to Elvis MUCH too loudly on the balcony at 10:30 at night, and listen to the stories of the “hardy” men deep-sea fishing in gale force winds and rain.  Such good times, although bittersweet (as most things are now … but I’ve grown to love bittersweet).

Isabella and I returned home a day earlier because she given an opportunity to move into her dorm room early due to cheer.  So, Friday night, we got home around 11:30, unpacked the beach, and loaded the dorm into our cars.  We spent the next day decorating her dorm, laughing, and being amazed at the transformation.  Actually, I wouldn’t mind this being MY room!  Oh, how Savannah would have loved orchestrating our every move!!!

I left Sunday evening to spend a couple of nights with my parents.  Good times there!  On, Monday morning, I made the same drive I made for 22 years to Lincoln Parish Schools.  I had the privilege and honor to speak to the teachers returning for the 2017-2018 school year.  I reminisced the whole way there as I drove past the place Savannah received her “first” speeding ticket and the road leading to where Savannah’s grave lies, making the huge circle curve getting on the interstate towards Ruston, getting off the exit where Savannah learned to merge multiple lanes trying to get to Ruston High – the back way, driving onto campus, and walking into the auditorium on the grounds where Savannah graduated high school.  I know how these back-to-school events roll.  Everyone is soooo ready to get started that sometimes the “event” is somewhat bothersome or feels “in the way”.  Oh, how I did not want to be “bothersome” or “in the way” of these individuals who impact thousands of children in Lincoln Parish Schools and in their community!  It was such an honor to speak of Savannah and being a “difference-maker” and how our mindset determines the climate of our lives.  It was good for me to remind myself that, although we cannot change our circumstances or situations, we have full power over what we think of them and how we approach them. The people who came up to me, texted, emailed, and messaged me have just impacted me so much and allowed me to further see what an impact my firstborn had on the lives of all who she came in contact with in her short life.  I am further convinced that YOU MATTER, whether you think you do or not! YOU MATTER! If you are breathing, YOU MATTER and have the ability to effect positive change.  The day was full of intimate conversations with precious souls who reached out to us, comforting hugs from previous colleagues, and dinner with mothers and daughters (MoDas) we spent a summer with seven years ago learning about Christ and loving on others. Tuesday morning, I drive home in the rain and listen to Darius Rucker’s song…It Won’t Be Like This for Long.  (Here is a link to the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5zCaRaJ-kE).

Nostalgic, indeed.  Yearning for a time long gone.  Loving every minute.  Appreciating it ALL, whether pleasurable or not.  Nostalgic.

As I was driving home yesterday, Isabella sent Tim and I the picture above.  It was four years ago yesterday we snapped that shot in a hotel.  We had moved to Baton Rouge and living in a hotel until we closed on our house in Central.  This is Isabella’s first day of school as a freshman in high school.  She knows NO ONE, not a soul at that school.  I had been at my job for about a week…I knew NO ONE. Savannah would be moving into her dorm in a couple of days on the University of Louisiana – Monroe campus.  We were on the cusp of a difficult year, unbeknownst to us.  When Tim snapped this picture, we did not know what a challenge Isabella’s first days would be when no one would speak to her or blow off her attempts at meeting others. We did not know what a challenge it would be for Savannah to learn how to manage time and life as a freshman in college living with her family four hours away or how difficult it would be for me to learn “new” ways of doing my job.  We didn’t know that their grandmother would be diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in just a few months, nor that our house would not sell for almost a year meaning we would have two mortgages, college tuition, and life’s bills mounting.   On this morning, we were celebrating possibilities that new beginnings bring.  A good morning, indeed.  Tim responded to this picture recalling the smiles were happy but hard to come by at that time. We remembered that we did smile indeed…and overcame.  Both Savannah and Isabella thrived at their respective schools after perseverance on their part.  I made life-long relationships at my job.  Our house did sell. We love our house in Central, even though we did flood, there are precious memories here.  My mother is thriving, even though she is still Stage IV, almost four years later.

So, yes.  I may long for times past. No, I do long for times past. However, I am looking forward to the future and new memories.  Savannah is definitely alive and well in our future in Heaven.  I can’t wait to see what is in store for Isabella in college!!! I am looking forward to those feelings of excited anticipation when I tell Tim, “Belle’s coming home this weekend!” We are anticipating Saturdays tailgating at Southeastern Louisiana University football games cheering on our cheerleader! I am proud of the resilience of my community, family, and friends.

I decided a couple of weeks ago I wanted to find something to “binge watch”.  I decided on Downton Abbey. This series is easy to watch and full of mindful, one-liners.  I wrote one down the other day.  Carson, the Butler, said, “The business of life is the acquisition of memories.  In the end, that’s all there is.”  Gnaw on that one a while, I have.

No, I can’t change my circumstances and I hate that. I really do.  However, I am making some choices to thrive.  So, please join me in appreciating each moment, whether pleasurable or not.  Realizing that “it won’t be like this for long”. And, acquiring mountains of memories.

Be blessed, bless others, appreciate, realize, acquire, and THRIVE!!

Stephanie