“Just keep walking down the hall.” (I’m sure I looked like a walking pressure cooker.)
“Breathe in, breathe out. Come on. Keep breathing.”
“Turn the corner.”
“There’s the desk.”
“This is for you.” The sweet lady at the desk handed me a sheet of paper. “Thank you.”
“Do I dare look down?”
“PASSED!!!”
“Seriously? I’ve gotta make sure. Yes, I PASSED!”
“Steph, hold it together until you get out of the room.”
This was the dialogue going on between my ears about a week and a half ago. I kept saying “Hold it together” as I went straight to the public restroom and released the pressure of a couple years of stress, pressure, worry, and tension. Tears streamed down my face and I felt such relief. I mean, a genuine psychological release! I felt lighter than before, breathed much deeper than when I entered the building that morning, and my muscles were loosened!
This was what was going on in my world around 10:00 am Friday, November 16th. (Even now, my heart rate accelerates just thinking about that short walk down the hallway from the testing room to the checkout desk!) I had just successfully managed to jump the last hurdle to becoming a life coach! Upon receipt of my “paperwork”, I will have the privilege of adding a couple more “initials” behind my name signifying I had completed the training and was now a Board Certified Coach!
This exam was not one that MUST be passed in order to coach others. I did not have to have these credentials to keep my job. This was not an exam that my life hinged on. No.
This was simply an accomplishment I had dreamed of for years. With this dream, also came anxiety and pressure. Anxiety and pressure that I put on myself. As I considered the dream, the time, the energy, and the money invested in the training, I also became faced with the reality that I had begun this training several months prior to our lives being turned upside down, shook up, and spit out! Yes, I had begun training six months before my firstborn moved from this life into Eternity. I had to suspend training when our house flooded and, ultimately, quit when Savannah became critically ill.
When trauma hits and our brains are in “crisis-mode”, it takes time for us to re-set ourselves back to the “status-quo”. It had been two and a half years since I began the training. My brain was still rusty! However, I was determined. I slowly began the process. Once my coursework was completed, I applied to take the exam. Once approved, I had six months to take the exam. If I passed it, great! If not, I could retake it in 90 days. Sounds simple, right?
Wrong.
If you’re Stephanie Payne, you must do things the hard way. It takes me a good loonngg while to learn something new! It took me years to learn how to ride a two-wheel bicycle (I had a “big girl” tricycle for years!). Tell time? MANY hours were spent at the table with my parents showing me how to read the hands on the faces of a grandfather clock and multiple watches. Drive a car? I failed the test 2 times. (As you can see from the picture above, Savannah began training to drive from an early age.) Water ski? I learned to ski when my brother would NOT let me get out of the water at Lake Darbonne UNTIL I was up on two skis! Snow ski? Literally, it took me the entire first trip to Lake Tahoe’s beautiful mountains to learn! (I basically learned how to “get up” on that trip!)
Don’t feel sorry for me, though.
The beautiful thing about doing things the HARD WAY is that once I get it, I’ve got it! It just takes me forever to get it! When you must work for what you want in life, you go the extra mile … because you HAVE TO, not necessarily because you want to!!! For example, I made a B in statistics my first year in graduate school. Not bad. Believe me, I was extremely proud of that B! However, I knew comprehensive exams were coming up the end of my second year, so I asked the professor if I could sit in on the class again, just to “make sure” I had it. I did … didn’t miss a class AND did well on comps. Accomplishing new tasks, the hard way, helped me develop a strong work ethic when I put my mind to something.
So, believe me when I say, I was going to be ultra-prepared to take this coaching exam! That’s the way I roll! Needless to say, life sometimes gets in your way and I was unable to schedule the test until I had about two months left of the six months allotted to schedule the exam. My deadline was the middle of December. If I didn’t pass the exam, I would have to wait 3-5 months to take it again! So, I did it! I scheduled the exam! November 16th was the day!
In line with being ultra-prepared, I started gathering study materials, reviewing past classes, and beginning to plan a study schedule. Otherwise known as “chasing my tail”, not actually accomplishing anything … like, studying. This makes me chuckle. I remember meeting with one of Savannah’s elementary teachers. She said to me, “Savannah spends more time choosing a book to read than actually reading it.” Wow! The apple sure didn’t fall far from the tree! I spent more time planning than studying. Traveling. Speaking. Playing tennis. Coaching. Writing. All were things I would “rather” be doing than studying.
I had no idea how much this exam was weighing on me until I began studying. The studying wasn’t the issue, though. I love this kind of stuff!
I realized the day before the exam how BIG this exam was for me. I have dear friends (some I’ve known for years, others I’ve met recently) who encouraged me more than they probably know. One reminded me, no, assured me, “this test does not define me”. Another let me know that “when God needed me certified, I would pass the exam”. Others sent encouraging words and reminders for me that they are praying and keeping me near.
As I was responding to one of these texts, I realized in an instant why this exam was monumental for me! Bam! My eyes filled with tears. I realized, … “Although, I really don’t even ‘need’ this credential; I want to make Savannah – and myself – ‘pleased’ by passing it the first time”. Yes, I knew it was not rational, but it was INDEED emotional.
When I started this journey toward life coaching, Savannah did what Savannah does. She was genuinely interested and asked me much about it. She allowed me to “practice” coaching with her. I remember her calling me one time asking for “coaching” about a social situation she was facing. To say I wanted her to be proud of her mama was a gross understatement. I knew Tim and Isabella would be proud of me, either way. They were with me, here in the physical, and can assure me of this fact. But something about the fact that Savannah was no longer here to give me that validation in the physical added an extra layer of pressure. Self-pressure, but pressure!
During the weeks before the exam and Thanksgiving, I had opportunities to visit one of the hospitals Savannah was in during her last 10 1/2 weeks. Each time I walked in to the hospital, I was faced with this quote from St. Francis of Assisi. This wall hanging spoke to me. Grabbed me up. I finally took a picture of it and last night realized, “THIS” is it. This is how we approach life. Herein lies a practical plan to begin living a thriving life.
“Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and
suddenly you are doing the impossible.”
Just start and think about what’s necessary. Only focus on that. Don’t put your focus on the monumental task before you … just what’s necessary.
Once what we must do is done, then move to what you can do and keep doing that!
Before you realize it, you’re DONE! (And it’s better than you can imagine!)
Here’s a visual for you:
(NECESSARY) + (POSSIBLE) = PHENOMENAL RESULTS
The parentheses indicate that you must do what’s necessary first, then what’s possible.
Maybe you’re faced with a monumental task. Finals. Midterms. Work. The holidays. Strained relationships. A diagnosis. Grief.
Start by doing what’s necessary, the rest will come. Just keep doing. And, you will THRIVE!
Stephanie