This Is How We Do It…

Last Wednesday, Savannah celebrated another birthday in Heaven. This was her third in the heavenlies and would have been her 24^th on Earth.   It’s still un-real to me that she is not “here”; however, the love showered on us was REAL.  I received numerous texts, social media messages, emails, pictures, videos, calls, hugs, kisses, flowers, coffee, heartfelt eye-contact-kind-of-moments that communicated to my soul, and untold prayers.

The question was posed in one message pondering what birthdays in Heaven might be like.  I mean think about it.  Our birthday is the day God chose to reveal His latest creation to the world! What that celebration must be like WITH Him!

Well, I can think about that now, a few days out, and am so thankful this thought was pondered and posed to me.  Quite frankly, on February 20^th and the days following, I couldn’t think about any kind of celebration.   I was focused on surviving the best way I knew how.

The following day, I was caught up in the love bestowed on our little family of three and posted a video hopefully encouraging others to “go BE love” because you just never know what others are going through.  Wow, when I watch it now, I can really see Grief’s toll on me!  My eyes, my voice, and my energy level reveals the effect Grief had on me, despite my best effort to minimize its effects.

Grief is its own unique beast.  As unique as each of us are.  I don’t think our experience of “Grief” is dependent on our circumstances, either.  I don’t believe the experience Grief gives us cares if we are grieving our child, or our spouse, or our sibling, or our dear friend.  I don’t even think Grief gives a flip if this unique experience is due to a death, an ideal gone, a transition, a lost job, or strained relationship.  Nope. Grief is grief.

Grief is its own BEAST! Grief is un-escapable, un-predictable, and un-forgiving while life keeps going on, and on, and on.  Seconds transform into minutes.  Minutes into hours. Hours to days. Days to weeks. Weeks to months. Months to years. You get it.  Life and Grief go on and on.

There are few constants in this world. Death and Change are two of them.  In our lives, we will all experience change and we will all die.  Grief is a response to these constants.

So, what does one do to live with Grief?  What CAN we do?

We learn our new normal, that is, until the next normal comes around.

We learn to live differently, yeah.  We learn to live more intentionally.  We live more emphatically.  

Life IS different.  We are now faced with a choice.  We must CHOOSE to get out of the bed, despite how we feel.

Grief offers a gift, though.  It gives us an understanding of what’s important in life.   If we accept this gift, we APPRECIATE what life has to offer so much more than previously.

I was expecting Grief to try to overtake me last week.  So, I was ready.  I’ve spent the last two years trying to discover my “new normal” and how to continue to live it.  I’ve learned that I must be “intentional” in developing and maintaining my own sense of well-being.  This sense of well-being is different for everyone…you know, like Grief, it’s unique.  God created me in a certain way and I believe it’s up to me to figure out how to live this thriving life He promised, even when I don’t feel like it!  Feeling good doesn’t just happen.  Nope, it must be strived for, worked on, and developed.

This is the reason I blog, play tennis, spend time with “my people”, speak to groups, coach individuals who feel “stuck”, meditate, read Scripture and inspirational books, “do” yoga, and diffuse essential oils in my home depending on my mood. These are intentional practices I have found that help me feel better, despite my circumstances!

But, Friday came, February 22nd.  I was struggling to get out of bed and I REALLY wanted to stay there in my “pit” of grief.  Looking back, I wanted to wallow a little bit in it. Grief was trying to overtake me. And, sometimes, that’s just fine to succumb for a little while.  But not Friday.  Not, THIS Friday.

You see, I had a make-up tennis match.  Now, looking back, I understand why it rained that day and the match was rescheduled for THIS Friday.  I couldn’t NOT show up, just because I didn’t feel like it.  Plus, I knew the social, emotional, and physical benefits would get me through the day. But, boy, I sure was hoping it was rained out!

I knew it was Grief knocking on the door because THAT is so not like me!  I look forward to playing tennis.  Actually, I look forward to being with “my people”, exercising, and reaping the endorphin release WHILE playing tennis.

This day was different, though.  Grief was trying to hold me down by reminding me that I didn’t know anyone I was going to play with that morning.  Usually, I get excited about meeting new people.  But, I was running on about 45% and the thought of meeting new people was discouraging.

What if I let my partner down?

What if my opponents questioned a line call, would I be able to handle it?

I’m already fragile today. 

Oh, how I wished the courts would be too wet. 

Just give me one more day!

Wouldn’t you know it?!?! The courts were perfect. The sun was out.  The match was ON!

I believe God strategically placed exactly WHO He wanted on that court last Friday.  My partner, a little younger than me, was delightful. We had fun together. We worked well together, even though we just met.  Our opponents?  So much fun!  One was in her late 60s, the other early 70s.  I want to BE them when I grow up, like in a few years!  They played tennis so well and challenged my slowly developing tennis skills!  Just what I needed!

I remember being on that court and feeling such a sense of gratitude for God to create this beautiful, sunny day in February, just two days after my daughter’s birthday, so I could play tennis with three loving AND fun women I did not know!  I thanked God for orchestrating THIS experience for me!  I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude!

I am not in the habit of sharing “My Story” randomly.  Quite frankly, I don’t want to upset others AND I never know if I can get through the telling of it.  I will certainly tell our story if someone asks, or if prompted.  However, I don’t just volunteer.  Coming off the court after the final point, I was just too overwhelmed.

I told these ladies, my newfound friends, how much I appreciated them THAT day.  I told them about how I had felt before getting there and why I felt that way.  I thanked them for being so delightful, fun, challenging, and encouraging.  You see, they were just being who they are! But, THAT was exactly what I needed that day!

Yeah, I choked up telling them about Savannah.  They didn’t hesitate to hug this sweating, big ol’ girl and share love with this person they just met.  No, all three of these women WERE love to me in exactly the way I needed it, exactly WHEN I needed it.  Yep, a beautiful moment!

Change is inevitable.  Grief is too. We learn to live again, although differently, more intentionally, and more emphatically.

So, as I sit here basking in the experiences of the last week, I want to share some thoughts with you to consider when Grief comes knocking at your door.

• Firstly, focus on the love shared with your loved one. Really, FEEL it.  Yes, you’ll probably cry.  So, what??? Feel the love.  If it’s not grief of a loved one, but grief of the loss of an ideal, a job, or a relationship – do the same thing!  Focus on the love – the good stuff – you gained.  Focus on the positive that was brought into your life.  Loss hurts. AND, focusing on the love and positive experiences gained sets the stage for healing to begin.
• Secondly, after focusing on the positive of “what was”, shift your focus to the fact that you’re “STILL STANDING” despite what has happened. Focus on the “what is”.  Appreciate the fact that you are ALIVE.  You are STRONG because you are still living! Remind yourself, as often as you need to, you are ABLE to move!   Realize and own this fact. When you have the ability to move, then you are able to move in a positive direction, if you so choose!  God still loves us!
• Thirdly, accept the love from others and learn God will use others as He sees fit. Learn to expect love from others.  There are people in your life who love you and want you to thrive.  There are times you must believe this fact REGARDLESS of how you feel.  Remind yourself as often as needed, there are people you haven’t even met yet who are strategically placed in your path to “make your day” or give you exactly what you need at precisely the right moment.  This only occurs if you allow yourself to move out of the pit and get WITH others. Once you’re out of the pit of grief and into the “real world”, begin to look for those people who are succumbing to the Holy Spirit’s guidance to flash a smile at you, buy your coffee, or allow you to pull out in front of them onto the busy street.  Trust God is going to bless you for relying on Him to soothe you in the way you need soothing.  A word of caution here: this expecting love from others comes from a sense that God loves you, knows your grief, and desires to use others to soothe you. This expecting love from others is NOT a sense of entitlement that others owe you something or you deserve something.  No, this is simply expecting that God is who He says He is, the GREAT COMFORTER, who will soothe in whatever manner He chooses using whomever He chooses.
• Lastly, go BE love to someone else. The focus is now “what will be”.  If you “think” about sending an encouraging or uplifting text, send it.  If you feel an urge to ask someone how they are doing, ask them and mean it.  Go an extra mile and listen to them.  Once you’ve experienced this overwhelming love and just enough soothing, then focus on someone else.  It is a documented fact, proven through Scripture, science, and real-world living, when we love and behave kindly toward others, WE reap the benefits, in addition to those we are loving on!

THIS is how we do it.

We feel the love lost.

We appreciate God loves us.

We realize we are still standing and can move.

We accept and expect love from others.

We love our neighbors by BEING the love.

Love.

This is a picture I’ve shared before from several years back.  Isabella was playing a little tennis in high school and we decided to go hit with her.  This is one of my favorite pictures of our goofy family. I am thankful for my tennis friends.  You’ll get to meet another one soon! I can’t wait!

Love and THRIVE!

Stephanie