“It’s just so real.”
These were the words spoken by a 19-year old to her mother after visiting the newly set monuments at her sister’s grave site on March 17, 2018. Earlier that week, on March 14th , I received the email and pictures from Owens Memorial Chapel Funeral Home in Ruston, Louisiana notifying me that “The monument for Savannah is set in the cemetery”. I stared at those words and pictures for a few moments while my heart began to pump.
I let my husband know. I believe God worked it out just according to His divine plan that Tim was in north Louisiana on that day and would be traveling right by Savannah’s grave site on Wednesday, March 14th. You see, he was attending a funeral for yet another precious soul on his way to an engagement for work. I am not sure why it did not work out that I could go with him, but it didn’t. Perhaps, because I would not have checked my email while attending the funeral, so we could have missed it altogether. Anyway, he called me after going by with my parents to see it. It soothed my soul to hear that it honored Savannah.
I also contacted Isabella to let her know. That weekend, she was going on a solo “grandparents’ tour” to spend some time with both sets of our parents Thursday after she got out of school. Her tour would take her near Savannah’s grave on Saturday. She decided she wanted to visit her grandparents and Savannah’s grave by herself (by the way, I love this kid and her heart!). That was her response when she called me upon leaving.
“It’s just so real.” And, believe me, it is.
The process is complete, whatever that means. It’s uncanny, quite honestly. How, for the past 72 weeks, we are living with the unimaginable void of the loss of a precious daughter and loving sister, but on March 14, 2018 and March 17, 2018 we were hit with the REALity of it all again. The impact, for me, was almost as intense as the first realization that Savannah is no longer with us here on this earth.
I have described the day the monument was set as “emotional”. Yes, it was an emotional day. I had no idea HOW emotional it would be for me. Indescribable. I won’t say it was a “bad” day. Because when I am emotional, it seems Savannah is near-er to me. So, that feeling is NEVER bad when one of your children are near you. No, it was emotional, I think, because of exactly what Isabella said, “It’s just so real.”
Real, because it is at her grave site where Savannah’s physically tortured-by-infection body lies.
Real, because we KNOW she is NOT there.
Real, because that final item on Savannah’s death “to-do” list is checked off.
Real, because it is in granite.
Real, because IT is “etched in stone”.
If someone were to ask me, I would suggest waiting until you’re “ready” before determining what will be etched in stone for your loved one (or for you). By that I mean, “it is so real” when you are forced to think about what will be remembered. Yes, we have our memories. That’s not what I’m talking about. What I am talking about is a one-liner or short statement of a life that is etched in stone, not in a word-processing program that can be edited or erased, on a sheet of paper written in ink that can be scratched out, or in our thoughts that can be changed. No, etched in a piece of granite stone! I thought writing the obituary of my daughter was challenging and impactful, and it was. However, trying to determine in few words what my firstborn’s life represents … wow! … words cannot express THAT feeling of responsibility (and honor).
I cannot say enough about the funeral home that supported us while they took care of our daughter’s physical body. I think some of the wisest words that have been spoken to me came from that funeral director who sat with Tim, Isabella, and I that FIRST day we were determining the arrangements. He was so empathetic and kind with us, this devastated family. I am going to share something he told us at that time. He told us he would say this again and again during our time together with him at her visitation and services. And, he did. This is what he said, “Whatever you do right now, is OK. You can’t do anything wrong right now.” I will tell you, as I contemplate that then, and now, those were and are powerful words for the grieving and broken-hearted. There is so much pressure on you when devastation hits to manage what has happened, to “make arrangements”, and be socially correct. Thoughtful decision-making is halted and you are just reacting emotionally. As I fought the pressure to order her monuments, I held on to these words, “whatever I do right now is OK”, and I waited. I waited for the words to come. Yes, THOSE words to be etched in stone. Thank you, Blain Owens, for giving me permission to wait for just the right words.
Here is a picture of Savannah’s headstone that was sent to me from a childhood friend I have recently re-connected with (who goes by Savannah and dear Garrison’s graves every day on her walk). When needed, she spruces up the grave sites by standing flowers and memorials up. (So kind and thoughtful!)
Granite is a natural substance that is basically impermeable, basically, nothing can penetrate it. The temperature around it would have to reach between 2219 to 2300 degrees Fahrenheit for it to melt. The words are sandblasted into granite, to be read for the existence of the stone. One day, in October 2017, the words came. “Loved others every day of her life.” That’s my baby. She genuinely, sacrificially, and authentically loved others. Just ask anyone who met her. That’s it. That is what will be etched forever in stone. The monogram is the monogram from a necklace I ordered for her as a Christmas gift in 2013. She never took it off. She was wearing it the day she became ill. It is interesting to me that it came from Isreal, the same country where her name is written on the Wailing Wall.
My hope is that when someone sees this monument they realize that Savannah Noelle Payne LOVED and loved BIG! Then, I hope those seeing this monument will be moved to adopt Savannah’s philosophy to life.
Love others every day of YOUR life!
Love and THRIVE!
Stephanie